I caught my husband watching porn and I’m furious! What should I do?
porn_addiction

Hey Tila!
I've been with my husband for 4 years.  We got married last year and I discovered his watching porn! I barely had a baby in june and of course I feel huge!  Still, I lost already about 30lbs but I still feel insecure with my body.  I got mad at him and don't want him to touch me or have sex with me. I feel like I can't give him what he sees in the videos.  There's beautiful women and have amazing bodies and I don't have that.
I don't know if I'm over exaggerating or if it's normal.  He says he sees it to learn more and not to keep it boring, but I don't know if he's using that as an excuse? what can you advise me?

MY ADVICE:

I hate to say this, but majority of guys out there watch porn.  They either do it behind your back or in secret, but no matter how they choose to do it you had best believe that they are all watching porn!  If a guy tells you that he doesn't watch porn he is most likely lying or he has at least watched porn before!  To be honest I could understand why you would feel so upset about this and it can really hurt your feelings.  I'm sure it doesn't make you feel too good or sexy about yourself after having a baby and catching your husband watching porn behind your back.  I'm sure that hurt you a lot so I understand your anger and frustrations.

However, since this is a very typical guy thing I would try to cut the guy some slack.  Women tend to get extremely angry at their men when they get caught watching porn because it almost feels like they are cheating on you or that you're not sexy enough for them, but that's not true at all!  So don't ever feel like it's your fault.  It is purely just a natural guy thing to do!  They honestly don't even think about it much besides just trying to bust a nut, but us women... we tend to let our thoughts go crazy with all of our emotions and over-analyzing  every situation to make more of a big deal than it should be.  I'm sure that after you having the baby it's not that your husband is no longer turned on by you that he had to turn to porn.  I'm sure it was more a mental thing because now he sees you as the mother of is child and with that type of love and respect it can sometimes get hard for a man to think naughty thoughts of his wife who is the mother of his children.  I know this because I have some very close male friends who have told me the same thing in private about their wives after them having babies.  They just respect you too much and hard to look at you as some sexual goddess when in their mind you are the mother of their children.  It's all a psychological thing and very much so less of a physical thing so please don't feel like you are in any way less attractive just because you just had a baby!  That's not the case at all!

Try to be more understanding of your husband instead of  being so angry at him and not letting him touch you anymore (because by doing that you are punishing him to make him feel even worse.)  That means in the future he will have even less confidence to try to approach you to make love because he will fear that you don't want to have anything to do with him anymore and if that doesn't get resolved soon it can get really cold and the marriage can turn really sour after that point.  But you still have a chance to fix this issue!  Instead of showing him how angry you are, how about you suggest that next time he watches porn that you would like to watch it WITH HIM?  At first he might think that it's a trick question since you have already punished him for it so be sure to let him know that you are 100% serious about wanting to watch porn with him.  That you are sorry for being so angry before and explain to him that you were only hurt because you thought he wasn't attracted to you anymore.  Try to communicate with him first so that he knows how you truly feel.  This way he will feel closer to you and understand why you were so angry at him and also it's important for him to know that you have forgiven him.

Now that we have all of that heavy and emotional stuff out-of-the-way it's time to have some FUN with your husband!  After all you two DESERVE IT after having a baby together!  So the next time he watches porn try to make a suggestion that you guys should try to COPY and do EVERYTHING that the pornstars are doing in those porno videos you watch together!  Not only will that give you both an opportunity to spend time together, but also give you both a chance to really spice things up in the bedroom!  Try role playing!  Get dressed up  and as him to pick out one of his favorite porns that he would like for the two of you to re-enact.  This will really excite him and give you both something new and different to try out TOGETHER!  Since you've been his wife of 4 years and also the mother of his children..... let this one night be the night where you get to role play and just be his naughty little bedroom slut for a night!  Let the games begin!  This way he won't feel so guilty knowing that he's banging his wife like a whore because that's usually where most of the psychological problems arise when a lot of husbands don't want to have that hot, passionate, sex with their wives anymore because there's a subconscious guilt thing deep inside of their minds since you're the mother of their children.  So that is one reason they turn to porn so they can let their wild fantasies go and bust a nut without feeling too guilty!

Now that you both get to role play and do this together I'm sure it will help excite him once again and know that just because you're the mother of his children and his wife of 4 years doesn't mean that he can't still fuck you like a little slut!  Excuse my language, but that's just how to get them riled up.  Plus, we are just role playing here because we all know that's not really the case, of course!  I used to do this with one of my ex-boyfriends many years ago and it was amazing!  We had so much fun together and I even suggested that we film our own videos since I felt like we could do a WAY better job than those lame pornos we used to watch together... OOPS!!! But that's a whole other story! lol  Anyway, good luck to you and your husband!  Don't ever feel like it's you who is unattractive because a lot of the time it's also the men who have some psychological issues that may arise after having a baby.  Cut him some slack and just have fun!!  Good luck! - Miss Tila

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Self-made, controversial, reformed hollywood party girl-turned sober, and now a healthy, single, and happy Mommy to be! Life is great! :)

26 thoughts on “I caught my husband watching porn and I’m furious! What should I do?

  1. Well what happens if u don’t want to be apart of that world in general. My husband likes porn but I don’t wAnt to watch porn and reinact what they do. I feel that is a sick world that shouldn’t be glorified. This world has made it seem okay to film sex, have different partners and make it okay. I feel like I am uptight but when I see porn, even nice pron I still feel like the women/men are ratchet because of this lifestyle and if my husband likes that and that turns him on then that completely turns me off. I would not what my daughter to be a porn star let alone watch it so as the parents shouldn’t we not to that too. Or is it an inveviatble thing that will keep its cycle with men no matter what.

    1. And that is your own choice. You can still find inspiration else where, for instance uniforms are my strongest pulls and something edgy think outside the box, why not have sex with your partner whilst hes at work in his uniform or against or in his work vehicle etc.. Look around your house, you could take him by suprise have sex all round the house tables chairs stairways, you can dress up in sexy lingerie, or greet him naked after work, your inspiration is not limited to only one source and it doesnt have to be limited to the bedroom.
      If theres anything that comes to mind talk to him or keep it spicy txt him your ideas, talk to your husband and ask him what he would like to try what are your fantasies and vice versa. Just because porn isnt your cup of tea dont bash it, find your own inspiration :) that’s my 2cents worth hope it made some sence for you :)

    2. I completely agree with Lisa. I’m not comfortable with the idea at all & it really lowered my self esteem when my fiance couldn’t (wouldn’t) stop watching porn. Especially because he has such a high sex drive, it made me feel like I wasn’t giving him enough sex or I wasn’t good enough. I am not willing to loosen up about the situation nor am I willing to let him think it’s okay to watch porn. My fiance has stopped watching porn and our relationship has been a lot better since. I feel I am the only woman he should be looking at naked and fantasizing about.

      1. Fantasying about other women/men is completely normal and watching porn is as well. Men don’t always work the same as women so just because you don’t like it doesn’t mean that he shouldn’t either. Just because he watches porn doesn’t mean he doesn’t desire you or that you arnt giving him enough sex, masturbation can be a total different thing to sex and is more of a stress release most of the time for men. You should read a book called Sex At Dawn by Christopher Ryan, PhD.

    3. Firstly you just had a baby, congratulations. Your ability to think rationally is compromised due to your unbalanced hormones. Our emotions corrupt are sense of judgement, greed, fear and specially jealousy. It would be wise to defer any decisions.

      Have you ever heard of the saying “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”?
      Men are wired different to women because men produce a lot more testosterone. This is out of our control. Testosterone is known as the sex hormone, it also makes us strong and hairy. An overdose of this hormone affects the psyche, example roid rage and unfortunately decreases our life span. Women from all over the globe, on average live longer because they produce lower levels of testosterone. Testosterone is why men are drawn to porn. Remember we are also visual. And as Tila put beautifully, we just want to bust a nut. It’s our way to release any pressure, stress and able to retain our focus on other aspects in our life, example work. And it makes us happy, and if your happy then your not sad, depressed, angry .ect
      Don’t you want to see your man happy?

      Some fuel for thought,
      Is it possible that you may have interpreted the event the wrong way. I mean, your punishment towards him feels like he cheated on you. So how would you act if he cheated on you instead? I opened the door for a lady and she can interpret it as, I’m a gentleman or get up set because she believed that I think she cannot open the door herself. Is the glass half empty? or half full? Well, it’s actually completely full of half water and half air.

      There’s plenty more to say to show that it’s not got to do with you at all. I think you get the point. And I’m sleepy.. Also, take note of Ambers, Ana and Lexi comments, they are coming from long term experience.

      And to finally finish, you do know that humans are animals?

  2. I know my hubby does it and it makes our relationship more open. Sometimes we watch it together even tho its not my thing its his, sorta like watching football, in a marrage its all about compromise and its natural to just let it happen or your going to be very unhappy

  3. Yes guys watch porn, but it almost ages me think I’m not good enough in bed for him or when we’re sexing, he’s imagining the porn he was watching, so that image of another women’s vagina is in his memories so when we’re doing it. Who’s to say he’s not thinking of that porn or girl he was watching ?? Idk . I try to disapprove his actions into watching it? Simply because he don’t need that, he’s got me. But I understand what this lady is on about. To me I feel unappreciated or not doing it right? But that’s just me. I told if you watch porn I’m gonna buy a vibrator which he got up in arms about LOL . Not that I would Koz he’s all I need :)

    Have a good day tila :) x

  4. In the beginning of our relationship my fiancé always said he didn’t watch porn, he didn’t see the point as it didn’t do anything for him so I let it go. I got rid of my DVDs and also my subscription online. All was good I didn’t mind doing that as I loved him and didn’t want something so trivial to cause problems. Well a few months ago I was watching this tv series on my iPad and couldn’t remember what it was called so I tried finding it in the history (YouTube) and I’m finding all this porn and I’m scrolling thru having a panic attack because the only ones who use this iPad is me and my young son. So here I was thinking that my son had accidentally come across these and had been watching them. I look to my fiancé and in a panic and rage I said I think our son has been watching porn and the look on my fiances face was guilt, I quickly realised it wasn’t my son at all it was my fiancé. At first I was just so relived it wasn’t our son our didn’t even care but then the more I thought about it the more pissed I was that he was doing it behind my back. And the fact that I gave it all up for him etc. anyway I slept on it for a night and was able to be rashional about it and talk to him openly and honestly. I do believe him when he says when we were first together at that point in time he honestly wasn’t interested. We have been together for 9 years and we were only 18 when we met so of course in 9 years people change and it’s about growing together and not apart and that’s what I chose to do. I do my absolute best as so does he to really communicate better, because we mean too much to each other and been thru way too much to let each other go. And now we have an online subscription together that we watch together or separately and it bothers neither of us because it’s out in the open and now have a separate iPad for our son because that was a little scary to think I would have to have that talk a few yrs too early with him.

  5. LOL !! ^^ my boyfriend watched porn all the time I told him I would buy a vibrator if he didnt stop and sure enough I cought him watching it again so I went out got a vibrator and it pissed him off so much that he stoped watching porn all together !! My opinion on porn is I think its completely disgusting that these people would want to expose themself to the world!!!! However, EVERY male on this planet watches porn amd there is nothing us women can do about it !! Men are pigs and alot of them dont respect or appriciate their girlfriends/wives which is why they watch porn!!

  6. My husband and I have been together eight years
    We have three sons who are under seven. My husband watches porn. At first I was a little worried but we talked about it and now we watch porn together. You need to have trust for This to work. Trust in yourself and your body. Dnt put your insecurities Before your enjoyment. Women are not the only ones to feel insecure about sex.

  7. Hey Tila, I love your website and all the advice you give you should totally write an advice book stay beautiful and fabulous Mama Tila <3 :)

  8. Look, ladies, scientifically and psychologically men are programmed to have a higher sex drive than women. But they are not programmed to love more than one unless they have really horrible emotional issues. For them, it is a sense of relief. Look at it this way, we have our periods once a month which means we don’t have the need to pleasure ourselves to the point of climax because well, we ovulate. Well, for some, it doesn’t apply. But guys aren’t programmed to do that. I would rather have my hubby watch porn than to LOOK for someone to satisfy him or even find other ways to catch his attention. Wear some sexy lingerie. Put on some make-up. Do a little dance for him. Speak sweet sexy words to him. Really… It’s not hard to turn a guy on. If your dude doesn’t appreciate that then it’d be wise to have a one on one intimate conversation with him. Be direct. Be clear. And to the point. Women suck at that so practice by starting now. The most important key to a successful relationship: top-notch communication.

  9. I used to catch my husband looking at porn all the time usually while I was sleeping. I used to pretend to still be sleeping when he would catch me with my eyes open. But usually I would just watch it with him. It’s fun. You get to see what turns him on and what absolutely doesn’t. YOU get to learn new tricks and just by you watching with him that turns him on. Don’t feel bad about your body. Sometimes guys just want a quick release without having to worry about pleasuring you or he may not have the energy. And he may actually be looking for new tricks. When I would secretly watch my husband while I was “sleeping” sometimes the next time we would have sex he would do some of the things in the porno. But really he’s just a guy being a guy. Don’t feel bad. Him watching porn has nothing to do with how he feels about you. He still finds you beautiful and sexy. Probably even more so now that you had and care for his baby. Keep your head up mothers are beautiful and sexy

  10. Me and my husband have been together 12 years married 8 and im only 27 so i still have a huge sex drive, but you have to spice it up one way or another.. Tila is right he is just being a man by watching porn, its not you.. Me and my husband have watched porn together ALOT I Learned a lot of ways to drive him crazy by watching porn. You have to learn some way to keep it hot! Watching it does not make you a bad person, but to each there own.. If you dont want to then dont but he is going to watch it no matter what you say..

  11. I have been w my bf for 4 years now we have a 1 year old… his 8 years older then me he has more experience then me he was my first.. i didnt knw what i was doing at first n he knew more of course, when i first found out he was watching porn i got really hurt i even wanted tO end w him. I thought i wasnt enough ,so i started to watch porn just to see what he would see n well i realized it wasnt as bad as it looked, i have never talkes to him about it but im ok w it..

  12. Hey Tila (: I was wondering what are some sexy words I can use to turn on my boyfriend while I am having sex with him and what to whisper to him? Sometimes I know what to say but than I don’t know why I always end up blanking out what to say when were both in the moment. Lastly, I wanna know what are some things that can turn on my man much more that he’s wants me more than anything! I want to show what he has and how I make him feel that no other woman can. Please please I need the advice girl

    Thanks Lovely Tila <3

  13. Only problem is that it is hard to find normal porn out there. Out of 30 videos only 1 is “watchable”.

  14. i dn’t think it’s crazy to watch porn wen ur married for only 4yrs i was like only 4 i was thinking 20 or more like that wulda made sense but only 4 i think she overestimated 4yrs or marriage that like the same thing as bein in a relationship also if ur a woman and u dn’t kno that men watch porn by now prepare for the greatest discovery of the internet ur evr did see ;) and one last thing we guys kno girls watch porn to so no big if u do in fact better for us i jst dn’t understand y u think that’s something u have 2 hide but hey that’s none of my business

  15. Let the man watch porn nothing wrong with it at lest he isn’t cheating and if he wasn’t sexually attracted to you he wouldn’t be trying new things with you or trying to have seed with you he would be out cheating and momma yes you had a baby and so did I if you got stretch marks you’re still beautiful there tiger stripes your a strong beautiful women with a sexy body as you gave birth to a beautiful baby and idk about your man but mine loves big boobs lol so he’s all happy I have bigger breast now. You really need to have trust in your hubby and also higher self esteem nothing sexier then a women who holds her self up high and say yes my body is deferent but its my body and hell I made a beautiful child with it and couldn’t be any happier and sexier. Hold your self up high love you for you also work out get in to shape if you must to get that little boost. I wouldn’t get to upset with the porn thing half of those girls had plastic surgery and the other has never had kids and also they both took care of their bodies. Some times you just need some TLC

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